And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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