i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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