i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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