that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
