dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
