Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
this hospital has no fireball
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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