It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
