Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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