I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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