I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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