is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
