Don't make out with my wife yet
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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