i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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