this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
