Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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