What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
