pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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