why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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