Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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