It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
