she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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