I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
