Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
