I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
