I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
