Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
FUCK WHALES
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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