we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
