look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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