When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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