Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
