I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
