i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Houston, we have a blender
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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