thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
