she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
