Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i came on her dog
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You dont lie about slip and slides
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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