did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
