Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
