I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
