I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
