I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
