Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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