Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
