i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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