I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sobbing to NWA
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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