Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
