Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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