Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
