I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
