watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
