There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
