Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
