when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
